For my God

At this time I just wanna put my life on hold and give my God some praise. God is just so amazing and I Just wanna thank him for being in my life and watching over me, even though I dont deserve it. I went to EI's Homecoming Explosion and it was great!! The songs I heard and the dances I saw reminded me that God is indeed where my help comes from and that I never would have made it without him.
Lately I havent been in the church like I know I should be, and though I never stopped living God in my life that was still wrong because I know there are other things that I DID do and I know I coulda just gone to church and praise the Lord. I'm so unworthy of God's Love, and it's not fair, that God still loves me even though all of my sins and strife. I dont even have to be here right now, there are at least 3 or 4 times where I can say I should be dead, But God saw it fit for me to be here anyhow, And when I look at the way I'm living my life all I can say is that I'm unworthy...And this is the part that gets me the most: He STILL loves me and watches over me, Making sure I never want for anything. When I think about his love I'm filled with happiness and graditude for all that was done for me. So right now I just Wanna say Thank you God for all that you've done in my life and I just ask that you use me as you see fit, father. And if I cant do anything for you then at least I vow to try to do less against you. I ask you for your strength to help me resist these fleshly desires and walk with me everyday that I might touch someone the way you have touched me father God. In your name I pray and ask, Amen.

Kansha(Graditude) by: Real Street Project

"I spend all my days here the same way,
chilling out, relaxed and unconcerned.
There are so many things to do,
a lot of them impossible for me.
It's totally overwhelming,
but I'm always ready to do what I can,
because everyone here has a smile on their face.
I may not say it very often,
but I am really grateful for all my family and friends.
The time we spend together is so special,
I could never replace any of them.
We've got this moment, we've got each other
stopping, standing, and laughing together.
I'm so thankful I could cry.

This feeling is so wonderful,
it makes today sound like a wild dream.
I promise you, I'll never forget it, my precious ones
who laugh with me, support me
and keep me going.

This feeling is so wonderful
it makes today sound like a wild dream.
I promise you, I'll never forget it, my precious ones
who laugh with me, support me
and keep me going. "

As the title states I am not the author of these words. The author is a (group/band??) named: Real street Project. This song wasnt even sung in english but it was translated for us. It's words are my exact feelings towards each and every one of my family and TRUE friends.( And you know who you are ;) )

I just wanted to share it with yall cuz It made me think of my feelings for alla yall. Thank you for being my friend. I love all of yall and will always be there for you, Bank on it.

So it's November already is it??

Sorry guys and gals, it has indeed been a while. I have been exceedingly busy and lazy(not the best combo) so I havent been doing a good job keeping up with this huh??

I recieved so updated info on some pain from the past, it stung for a while but now that I know the truth about it all, I'm free.

In other news my academics are looking good right now, and they should. I'm working my butt off and my social life is hanging on by a thread haha. While I patch my social links back together I have made a few more interesting links that could be promising hmhmhm.

I got sick, or so I thought. A check-up with heath services told me that the pain was mostly stress related. I was given Rx and with that, some time and some prayer I'm good as new.

I feel as though I'm losing some friends. I'm sure I'm not the reason for this, it's moreso that they are becoming more busy and meeting more people so their time decreases. I take note of that and be very cautious that it doesnt happen to me, but at the same time that friends dont take up all of my time, gotta find the medium.

Work is kicking my ass...and I have naught to show for it but my ass!! I dont need this. I got to find a better one but this one is very flexible, and I need that cause my schedule isnt all that great...cmon pops call me when you need me cause I need the $$$

Caught up on Shippuden and now working on Bleach. cmon Naruto learn that new move quicker!! Bleach is getting intense. from the last time we've talked I jumped form the end of the bounts to the invasion of Hecho Mundo and the break in of Las Noches. Cant wait to see what's gonna happen next!!

VIRUS!! I got hacked and had to roll back my data to a restore point from last year around christmas time...damn... but I saved all of my music and documents, the important stuff at least. the rollback brought back pain and an opportunity to cause issues. But I'm grown, and I am above childish movements and behaviors, I flatly declined.

I have yet to discover my one true calling or my best quality that I can use to improve my life and others. I just dont get it anymore, sometimes I wonder why God even bothered to spare me when anyone could have done the things that I do, quicker and with a better quality and quantity...I know I just stole myself in the face right there but I'm able to identify the fact that I have a problem with myself...I just dont know what that problem is or how to fix it...but I have grown from beating myself down to nothing and not even trying to understand. I AM getting better.

WOW Barack Obama is the next President!! this is MAJOR!! I was so exicted and happy that I could be apart of history in this monumental moment for my people. And regardless of what people may say, I think he will do great. May God be with us all so that this whole ordeal doesnt tear us apart as a nation, as a people, or as one in you God. And if something horrible were to happen to Obama then may God have mercy on the assassin(s) and may he grant us supporters understanding that such a hateful act not create more hatred and malice in our hearts and cause ruin to all we know and love. Have your way God, completely and totally.

well that's about it for tonight. I have to get up 8am for English...I have no more absents left to use, and after that breakfast and going home for the Oyster fest. cant wait to see my peoples and all the of the young ladies ima see when I get there. time to step my game up

I know I been slacking but here check this out

Yea I know it's been a while, and I was supposed to post again last week I said I would. But Mid-terms kicked my butt, all of em were difficult!! Then I went home for Fall break which conveniently happens to be my high school's homecoming as well. At home I'm stuck with Dial-up(X_X) My fall break was...busy. I spent most of that time working with pops trying to make some money. (poor college student :S) Whenever I wasnt working I was sleep or playing my Wii which I am Forbidden to bring back here with me. I also saw Stomping the Yard, it's a good movie. I might actually buy it on DVD. If you havent seen it yet GO GET IT!! or rent it of something iono. It's good.
About homecoming: So a went to the parade and the game that followed afterwards because what followed that, was work (The Homecoming dance for which I was the DJ). I saw many of my friends from School, in my grade, under me, ones with whom I rode the bus with, Cousins I hardly ever see, and my Band people. During the whole game I just talked with my people, reminising and catching up paying the game no mind. (My HS football team was never really that great...) It was a dissapointment to see how bad we were losing on our terf at our homecoming...around 3-4th quarter I left and went to perpare for the dance. Me and pops had already setup for the dance b4 the game started so we were ready to go. The dance started and I had the crowd rockin 4 sure ;). As I looked onto the floor and saw all the kids having fun and dancing I started to think back to my Homecoming dance and just HS altogether...good times...bad times...all of it. Still kinda miss it but looking back at me then and me now...I've changed a lot...I want to continue getting better and I intend to. The dance was over at 11:00...tired, the kids had a good time...hell I had fun too, this dude wanted me to play some techno and I knew it was gonna kill the floor haha. Gotta give the people what they want tho and so I played it but no before making sure that they knew it wasnt I that picked this to play...sure enough it killed the floor but the kids are silly and tryed to make it work...it was funny to watch. Even my Dad threw the robot out there for a sec lol it was funny. I ended that night with AS (Adult Swim- if you dont know you betta ask somebody) and woke up late Saturday morning...thought I was gonna have some free time til we DJ-ed later that day but lo, Dad needed help cuz some elderly people lost their water...these jobs took hours a piece to complete and then we had to get ready to DJ. The place was North End Plantation in Deltaville, the time was 6-like and the purpose was YMCA seafood lovers convention...or something like that. My family were the only African Americans there...so everyone except Dad felt alienated but everyone was friendly so as the night went on we all loosened up. (Dad is on the Middlesex Board of Supervisors...he's used to the crowd) This was mostly Dad's show. The Crowd was mostly early 50's and 60's so he knew exactly what they wanted to hear. Best I could do was find the CD's for him and take over when he had to use the bathroom. That ended around 10:30...tired again. As we packed up I noticed a Rainbow outlining the moonlit sky...never seen that before. A certain young lady came to mind when I thought of it and I Txted her to tell her she was on my mind. so we got stuck at the Gas station forever because Dad has the inability to go Straight home and the infamous ability to get stuck in a conversation for long periods of times...11:15 like we get home once more AS, bleach and Full metal...nice. I even watched the boondocks.. that shyt was funny, then I went to bed. Sunday I woke up real late...I was the last one up and the last one to the breakfast table. While eating this is where I watched Stomping the Yard...it was already halfway though so after seeing that much I wanted to see the whole thing (gotta love DVR) set up a timer for later and off to church. There I ran into my usual group, Denelle, Katrina, Shaunelle and we always sit in the back of the church, it was good catching up with them. after church I went home and had the rest of the day to myself (FINALLY!!) playing Brawl and Mario Kart with my siblings and then watching the Cowboys lose...sooo dissappointing. Then I watched Little man...I've already seen but it was good so I watched again. I got paid and watched Desperate Housewives with Pops...it was surprisingly funny...I might become a regular. I then introduced Dad to Family Guy, AS of course. and after that bed. Last to rise...last to get to the table and I messed around my food there. just about everyone was gone...kids-school and dad- work with mom on her way. I watched the recording of Stomp the yard and when that was over I packed up for ODU.
One could say my week was a lil boring...but it was okay I guess...I mean I worked alot but now I got money, this will last me for a while. So that was my 5-day weekend which ends tonight, today was skipped because it was uneventful thus far. I'll try to keep up with this blog better for anyone out there who may be reading my posts...anyone??...Well anyways that's all you get for now, I'll try to post tomarrow too but no promises.

On and on

It's been a while. I've been sorting my life out little by little. Things are looking up, though this week is Midterms...it's gonna suck for most of us. I'm not particularly worried about much though. It's kinda funny how sometimes one can make a resolve to do the right thing and it makes them seem like they've grown so much, but that action isnt always convenient for that person. Like taking all of your pain from when someone has done you wrong and just dropping it like nothing ever happened. But in the end it's better to do what is best for you, even if it makes you seem childish or selfish. Most times people choose the latter of these two actions because they feel they have to prove something to everyone when if you know what your trying to prove in your heart to be truth, there is no need to prove it because it would be proved in your actions and words. This week has been a major learning experience for me and it's only just begun. my last message was kinda...wierd, disturbing, odd...whatever. Words can never capture how the human mind works with emotions, all that is known about feelings and emotions expressed by words are vague perceptions of how the mind works. So if you look at that post and think that I'm crazy or think of me in a bad manner that's fine. I really dont care but it's hard to try to put feelings like that into words, I just write em as they come to me. Dont judge me. I'm better now ans I'm glad I went though alla that because in the end I'm better for it. Pain is a part of growing too, what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger and it will take more than that situation to put me in the ground.

So moving on...this weekend was uneventful at best. I did get all my work done but after that, nothing but Video Games and Comedy Central. I went back to Disgaea 2(a video game), it's a good game but it gets old(boring) quickly. I dont know what it is but it's like sometimes the screen loads up and the battle starts and when I look at what I have to do I'm like "ok I'm done...this is boring...too much work". I bought that new Kirby Superstar ultra for DS. It's a remake of the game from SNES so I had to have it. I'm enjoying it...it makes me nolstalgic (spelled right??) but in a good way. theres some new content to the orginal stuff so I'm happy.Well thats enough for now, I have to go to Art class (Ugh) but I'll post again tonight. See you there??

Destruction

Confusion cleared...truth revealed...death to all he once thought he knew...Distant futures...Gazing foresights...all of which he was once certain of...Gone, forever...None of it means anything any more...everyone else continues about their lives all but him who is trapped in the past against his will...Wh.....a.....t......abo....u...t...........m....e.......?....?

A step back and undying will

Today sucked. Why am I so unhappy?? Painful memories that I thought I had gotten rid of, burst out of me like briars and thorns, ripping me to shreds from the inside out. I just dont get it. Why do I feel like this?? Know what hurts the most?? Realizing that alla that "happy to move on " and "it's all in the past" was just me lying to myself when the truth is: I'm hurt. I'm hurt and confused and I dont even know what lead to this happening; maybe I'll never know. So to just continue on acting like nothing is wrong is pointless and meaningless when the truth will always come out. So much that I dont understand, I dont know how to feel. Thoughts of how it used to be plague me with it's suffocating bile, and fact that I still dont understand just adds to that misery. I tryed to be strong really I did, but this is too much for me right now...WHAT DID I DO?? WHAT WAS IT THAT I DIDNT DO??...where did we go astray?? I feel like each day I die a little more inside as these questions and thoughts feed off the rawness of my psyche. And you know the worst part about all of this?? I bet YOU dont feel like this, I bet I've never even crossed your mind. GOD it makes me wanna just puke how I bet none of this is happening to you. That probly makes my a horrorable person but I wasnt always like this. Everytime I let someone into my life THIS happens...it's enough to make me wanna quit...BUT(that means it's not over) I am NOT a quitter. BUT(that means it doesnt end here) I know that one day I will get past alla this. BUT(that means theres more to come) I serve a God that I know is greater than any problem I can face here. With all of this I know I will make it, Trying to keep my head up in a world that wants me to drown isnt easy; good thing GOD is my lifeguard.